I guess no one knows or cares that I have another stupid blog page. COMPLETELY understood, I wouldn't follow me either considering my pattern of "man I just wanna blog again, I'll start it up! YAH!"
4 weeks later
"I should post something."
But thats ok.
Now that I know nothing becomes of my ideas I'm just going to have a little thinking out loud session, feel free to give me feed back. HAHAHA GET IT CAUSE NO ONE WILL EVER READ THIS!
Chapter 1: Why I Hate Things
Because everything sucks. I have no idea why everything sucks, who's in charge here? I just go about my day by day and out of the 100 things that I see while doing my thing about 98 of them make me react negatively. But WHY?! Wouldn't life be much more pleasant if I were to just find beauty in everything around me? NO, that would be stupid because that wouldn't encourage creative thinking. When I hate something I'm not just some pre-programmed cyborg monster designed for irrational hate, when I say I hate something I'm constantly working out ways that I would do it that would make it better. It provokes me into a process that makes me want to really figure out what I dont like about it and then design in in my own way that would make it more appealing to me. And since I'm not that big an "individual" I know that what pleases me will generally create the same positive emotion in others as well. It's really hard to get this point out to people because if you say you don't like something they like, its like a fucking wall comes down in the conversation and the mortal kombat announcer voices fills the room with the echoing words, "FIGHT!" It's never an "Ok, what didn't you like about it?" situation, its just a bloodbath. That's why I just give up on discussions so easily I think. I just don't have the energy to have a thorough chat about pros and cons. I hate that.
I'm also a very direct "If I hate something someone made than everything they else they make is gay." I know its wrong and it's illogical but most fo the time if I dont like something by lets say a director, the next movie they ut out will have this looming stank over it that creeps into the judgement section of my mind, poisoning my reason. *coughinceptioncough* I hate that.
When I do find something I like I hold onto for dear life and try to fend off the haters by any means necessary and that tends to make me hate the competition of whatever it is that I'm into. "I LOVE Halo, I hate Half-Life." Finally, I think I have been slowly coming to the realization that everything was awesome when you were a kid just because it was awesome, and now we're forced into critical analysis by our stupid ass mature brains that think they're better than everyone. I held on to the concept of "everything is awesome because it looks pretty" to the point of focusing on artwork and attending an arts school. In my generation theres a lot of over thinkers who deal with "did it make sense down to a fucking tee" and "was there even ONE error in ANYTHING about it." If yes, fuck it.
That's why in my mature stage I have decided, fuck everything, just make it pretty and that's all I'll go for. Thus Avatar views. The only thing I truly appreciate anymore is the look and the tone. For the ignorant, the tone for me is summed up by the feeling then is in the back of your head while watching something. Not what the person is doing, not what others around are doing or even why they're doing it, but the way they're presented in doing it. That's my shit.
All of this bullshit aside, I'm guilty for about half of the things I said I hate in this stupid post, but I promise I'm working on it.
Chapter 2: I Actually Am A Good Artist
It hurts me to say that because of self doubt, but I have realized in the course of being here that it's true. This revelation wasn't reasoned out by OTHERS work around me, but actually by my own progression.
I can honestly say now that for the first time ever, I can paint anything I want without the assistance of something like an overhead projector. I can now just do whatever I wish on a canvas and that makes me feel great. And the same goes with my drawing. I have pumped some stuff out that makes me genuinely proud and that is the BEST feeling on earth.
I'm still hyper-critical of myself and it's all Stephen's fault. Man oh man did I get over shadowed in high school. Everything I did was met with, "yeah thats cute Jos- OH MY GOD LOOK AT WHAT STEPHEN DID I BETTER MASTURBATE!!!" I love you Stephen and I hold nothing against you obviously, but that fucking sucked. Same thing would happen with other people as well, but it was usually Stephen that would make me look like a 4 year old retard using the wrong side of the pencil crayons. I'm happy to say I'm ten times better now than I'ver ever been.
I still haven't sold anything professionally and that's going to be my aim of the next few months. I'm going to photocopy the cheque I get when I do get one and frame it, I promise.
Thats all for tonight, whenever I have free time I will work on this ongoing story more because I dont want this to just be another "unfinished project" I give up on.
I hate that.
JD
